When High Standards Stop Working for Us

Many people who struggle with perfectionism don’t see themselves as perfectionists at all. They’re more likely to describe themselves as driven, dependable, intense, task-oriented, or simply someone who cares deeply about doing things well. These traits are often praised. They lead to accomplishment, productivity, and success.

And yet, for many, there is a quiet downside.

In How to Be Enough, psychologist Ellen Hendriksen explores how perfectionism can either support a meaningful life or slowly undermine it—depending on how flexible or rigid our standards become.

Perfectionism, as described in the book, isn’t about wanting excellence. It’s about demanding more from ourselves than the situation requires, then judging ourselves harshly when we inevitably fall short. The problem isn’t high standards; it’s the relationship we have with them.

The Inner Critic at the Center

At the heart of perfectionism is an intense inner critic. This voice focuses on flaws, minimizes what’s going well, and ties self-worth tightly to performance. Success brings only brief relief. Satisfaction fades quickly. There is always another expectation waiting.

Ironically, this inner critic often believes it is being helpful. Its goal is safety, acceptance, and control. By pushing harder, preparing more, and avoiding mistakes, it tries to prevent criticism, rejection, or disappointment. But the long-term effects are rarely positive. Chronic self-criticism increases stress, dampens motivation, removes enjoyment from the process, and makes connection with others more difficult.

The difference between excellence and perfectionism isn’t effort—it’s criticism. Instructional self-talk (“Here’s what I can improve next time”) is very different from personal judgment (“What’s wrong with me?”).

Where Perfectionism Comes From

Perfectionism doesn’t develop in a vacuum. It can arise from personality traits, but also from environments that reward performance, achievement, or self-reliance. Some people grow up in highly structured or anxious households. Others experience conditional approval, where attention and praise are tied to success. Still others learn early to be fiercely independent in response to chaos, illness, or instability.

Culture plays a role too. Constant evaluation, social comparison, and the pressure to “get it right” in visible ways have increased over recent decades. In that environment, simply being human—uncertain, imperfect, or uncomfortable—can feel like failure.

Performance Is Not Identity

One of the book’s most practical shifts is learning to separate what you do from who you are. Many perfectionists develop contingent self-worth: feeling valuable only when they are productive, successful, or achieving goals. Rest feels undeserved. Enjoyment feels unproductive.

Values offer an alternative. Values describe how you want to live—qualities like honesty, connection, creativity, generosity, or curiosity. Unlike rigid rules, values are flexible and ongoing. They provide direction without demanding perfection.

When values lead, enjoyment is no longer something to earn. Mistakes become information rather than verdicts. Success stops being the sole measure of worth.

Letting Go of Emotional Perfection

Perfectionism often extends beyond performance into emotions. Many people believe they must always be composed, positive, or “fine.” Negative emotions are seen as inappropriate or signs of weakness. Over time, this emotional control can create distance in relationships and increase internal strain.

Authenticity—allowing emotions to be acknowledged and shared appropriately—actually strengthens connection. Showing warmth and vulnerability often matters more in relationships than appearing endlessly competent.

A More Sustainable Way Forward

Perfectionism doesn’t need to be eliminated. With small adjustments, it can become adaptive rather than exhausting. Flexibility, self-forgiveness, and curiosity allow high standards to work for us instead of against us.

The goal is not to lower your expectations because you are incapable. It is to recognize that worth is not contingent on constant achievement.

You are allowed to rest without guilt. You are allowed to enjoy without justifying it. You are allowed to be imperfect and still enough.

 Rachel Oppitz, ND