Escape From People-Pleasing: How to Stop Putting Others’ Needs Ahead of Your Own—and Reclaim Your Authentic Self
By Health Coach Jaclyn Roberts
As we move through seasons of growth and transition, we’re invited to let go of what no longer serves us. Recent years have asked us to shed old skins—patterns, expectations, and roles that kept us small. What lies ahead calls for something braver: authenticity. Wholeness. Momentum that’s sustainable because it’s rooted in truth.
One powerful place to begin? Stopping the habit of people pleasing.
Are You Saying “Yes” When Your Body Is Saying “No”?
Agreeing to last-minute family plans when your energy is already spent
Going along with a restaurant choice you don’t actually want
Prioritizing how things look over how they feel
Staying silent when your feelings are hurt
Letting others lead every discussion to “keep the peace”
If any of this resonates, you’re not alone—and this message is for you.
When “MN Nice” Becomes Costly
People-pleasing often wears the mask of kindness. The intention is good. But over time, being “nice” at the expense of honesty quietly erodes relationships—starting with the one you have with yourself.
It can be so subtle you don’t even notice it:
You default to neutrality (“I’m fine with anything”)
You apologize when you didn’t do anything wrong
You over-give to avoid conflict or discomfort
This constant focus on others’ wants and needs is exhausting. It leads to burnout, resentment, and relationships that feel one-sided or hollow.
The Hidden Toll
While people pleasing may look generous on the surface, the reality is less rosy.
The practical cost:
Reflexively agreeing to commitments you can’t afford—emotionally, energetically, or financially—drains your time, wealth, and well-being.
The psychic cost:
Ignoring your own needs creates an inner disconnect. Over time, this can show up as anxiety, resentment, sadness, or a persistent sense of emptiness. When your true self has no voice, the nervous system feels unsafe. That chronic disconnection is often what we label as depression.
Where Does People Pleasing Come From?
For many, it begins in childhood—innocently enough. If saying “yes” earned approval, praise, or belonging, your nervous system learned that compliance equals safety.
For others, it became a coping strategy during times of instability: If I keep everyone happy, I’ll be okay.
Over time, this can solidify into a covert contract:
I will over-give and cross my own boundaries—and in return, you will make me feel loved, wanted, and secure.
The trouble is, those contracts are unspoken—and rarely fulfilled.
Kindness vs. People-Pleasing: The Key Difference
The distinction lies in motivation.
People pleasing is often driven not by generosity, but by:
Obligation: “I should do this.”
Transaction: “If I do this, you’ll do something for me.”
Compulsion: “This is just how I am.”
Fear of rejection: “If I say no, I’ll be excluded or unloved.”
True kindness, by contrast, is freely given—without self-betrayal.
How to Begin Unlearning the Habit
This pattern didn’t form overnight, and it won’t disappear overnight either. But with compassion and practice, it can be unlearned. Here are supportive places to start:
Cultivate a sense of safety in your body and nervous system
Look inward and reconnect with your inner voice
Clarify your wants and needs without judgment
Strengthen self-esteem that isn’t dependent on approval
Notice and reframe self-talk—is what I’m saying true, kind, and necessary?
Address underlying anxiety with support
Pause before responding—you don’t owe an immediate answer
Practice setting boundaries kindly and clearly
Get comfortable with disappointment—both yours and others
The Gift of Authenticity
People pleasing won’t vanish overnight—but each honest choice brings you closer to yourself. As you honor what you truly want and need, you may notice something surprising: more ease, more aliveness, and deeper, more genuine connections.
Becoming yourself is not selfish.
It’s generous.
And it’s one of the greatest gifts you can offer—to your relationships, your community, and the world.
— Jaclyn Roberts, NBC-HWC, CIHC, E-RYT 500
